Press Releases We’d Love To See!!… “Scientology Acquires Kabbalah to Form World’s Most Famous Secret Religion”
By letterhead | July 9, 2008
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE…
Los Angeles, CA – July 9, 2008: The Church of Scientology announced today that it has agreed to acquire The Kabbalah Centre in a “merger of equals” to create the world’s largest, most powerful, most famous double-super-secret religion.
The name of the combined religion will be The Scientific Unified Church of Kabbalalology – abbreviated as SUCK.
Celebrities from across the planet gathered at an undisclosed time last week in a secret location for a secret ceremony to celebrate the unpublicized event. The guest list was not disclosed due to security concerns.
“Though we cannot say what happened, when, or who was there, if you decode your Torahs ye shall know the entire beautiful truth of it,” said Shalom Sweeny, spokeswoman for The Kabbalah Centre. She added, “Kabbalah decoder rings are available from the website for $599.95 or by calling 1-800-KAB-FARE. Scientology members now get a 20% discount.”
According to oracular prophecy – as well as the 895-page legal memorandum forming a new California non-profit religious corporation – the pending mega-merger is a “multi-dimensional union” covering all activities of both religions on the material as well as the ethereal plane. The two religions agreed to a consolidation of all Karmic debts, with the pro-forma balance sheet showing a Karmic capitalization ratio of 22.9 — (i.e., accrued debts as a share of non-realizable disincarnate assets).
The new religion will claim the souls of millions of adherents around the world – living and dead. (Merger documents are required to note an expected continuation of membership attrition to weight loss programs, such as Jenny Craig. Though such attrition is not material as the net gain from Amtrak stations nationally has offset this loss in each of the last nine reporting periods.)
“We are enthusiastically engaged in today’s process of religious right-sizing, which will provide us with a significant competitive advantage,” said Lusitania von Hindenburg, spokeswoman for the Church of Scientology. “We will have maximum influence and appeal while reducing the administrative overhead traditionally associated with saving humanity.”
Both parties have further agreed to a belief integration process that will result in a new reference text for the combined religion: Kabbaianetics: The Modern Science of Mystical Ancient Hebrew Mentalists.
Kabbaianetics will be published by Judith Regan in the fall of 2009 is expected to be a blockbuster best-seller worldwide. Product placements for the book are currently being handled by The Wylie Agency. The final mystical text is subject to the approval of the executive committees of each religion, as well as spiritual advisory entities on at least seven other on non-physical planes yet to be negotiated.
Executives of both religions were jubilant about the proposed merger, saying that it will provide unparalleled benefits for members, including:
a diversified belief set – providing greater believer choice
a broadened merchandising platform
wider social networking and behavior reinforcement opportunities
stronger celebrity and promotional tie-ins
greater reach for global outreach ministries particularly in the hard-hit, spiritually barren media markets of New York and Los Angeles
“This transaction is the culmination of a new wave of value-added spirituality that delivers more benefit for more people in more places than ever before anywhere at anytime in the entire history of mankind,” said Ms. Hindenburg.
According to Ms. Sweeny of The Kabbalah Centre: “We cannot say where we are going or what we are doing as the world is a mysterious entity reflecting incarnate energy of our beings that is not contained in mere words but instead the ongoing conscious exercise of free will through the life-giving spirit of God within each of us. But this is a great day. We must believe it for it has been written – in code.”
SUCK anticipates higher soul acquisition rates (gross and net) enabled by streamlined message delivery mechanisms through online social media in a new “Religion 2.0” initiative. Spokespeople could not comment on Kabbalalology’s rumored acquisition of Twitter.
The new religion will have 297 brick-and-mortar locations in 83 countries worldwide and will boast a roster of hundreds high-profile endorsers through a new program — “Celebrities SUCK” — which will be a regular feature on E! Entertainment Television.
It is also targeting rapid expansion in developing regions of the world, where the acquisition rate of believers-per-celebrity is much higher. To support this expansion, it will embark on a capital improvement program, including the purchase of 35,000 folding tables – to expand its “outdoor office footprint” in train stations, bus depots, and tourist piazzas around the globe.
“This is the first step in long march toward legitimacy in the eyes of the world,” said Ramtha, The Enlightened One and 35,000 year old spirit who is a majority shareholder in both religions through his 501(c)(3) organization JZ & Me.
The CEO of SUCK will be determined at a later date by a jousting match between David Miscavige and Michael Berg in the online game Second Life.
The transaction agreement is non-binding and subject to the approval the Board of Directors of each entity. Once approved, the transaction will close on a future undisclosed date, but all parties assure that it will be a mystically and astrologically significant day, as well as conjunct with the most important dates in the Myan, Aztec, Upanishad, Zoroastrian, and Atlantean calendars.
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Gershon Kekst @ Kekst & Company
George Sard @ Sard Verbinnen